While anger has its place if anger is not managed it can become a very dangerous thing.
“He’s just cut in front of me”; “Why is it always me that clears the kitchen”; “how dare they say that!” We all get angry at some time. Perhaps we are treated unfairly or with no respect or you feel you have to defend yourself. There is that moment when anger grips us and we seem to lose control in our need to get something changed and changed now. Continue reading
The shock of discovering your partner has had an affair can be overwhelming. The physical pain of the betrayal, all make it seem like the relationship is over. For many they know at that point that there is no way back that the relationship is over. What if you feel on reflection that you would like to try to salvage your relationship what next.
Most people want to know the details. Who, when, where, it is important that the wronged partner can hear honestly the detail of the affair, if they want even if that is painful for them. Being honest signals that there really is a desire to move past the infidelity and commit once again to their partner Continue reading
Many clients talk about a lack of confidence. Others feel that people or events hold them back judging their words and actions. This short article asks the reader to take 10 minutes to look at their confidence and see if it can be boosted.
Confidence is the bedrock of making changes in your life, even if you only have confidence that you want to change. What can be done to conquer our fears and make us more confident each day?
It is worth starting by looking at your insecurities perhaps writing them out on a sheet of paper. Perhaps you are afraid of speaking in public, perhaps you are worried you wear the wrong clothes or perhaps you are confused by others around you. Perhaps you are scared that you don’t understand what is going on and don’t want to appear stupid. As you look at each and name it – try to understand what is behind it – was there an experience, was it something someone said perhaps that is the way it was always handled when you were a child. What you are trying to do here is “know your enemy”; this is the first step in doing something about it.
Next we look at our achievements, and not necessarily huge things like running a marathon (but well done if you did) but anything which was a challenge for you and you completed. Perhaps you are afraid of dogs, but you went for a walk in the park, perhaps you spoke to your friend about a difficult subject, perhaps you raised a difficult issue with your manager at work or tried to sort out bullying. Again look at each and try to understand why you achieved it what drove you on through the fear. Continue reading
Self-Injury or self-harm is something that a large part of the population misunderstand and recoil from. There is an assumption that the self-harmer is trying to kill themselves or at least do themselves very serious harm. Yet self-harmers rarely have suicide in mind. Continue reading
The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men,
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!
(The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!)
Robert Burn’s words reflect what we all discover in your life; that no matter how well you plan things happen then can throw you off course. As we approach the end of the month many of us will have failed with our New Year resolutions.
There is perhaps a group memory of how it feels to fail, wanting to hide from the judgement of others. Perhaps we want the earth to swallow you or to hide under the duvet. While we all know that Edison said he had found another way not to make a light bulb, his words seem to have little impact on our situation.
I prefer a more practical approach to failure. Failure is part of life and its purpose, if it has one it to help us become better at skills and behaviours. If you hide from failure then it can become depression or feeling anxious about every new situation. This can make us feel hopeless.
So to recover from failure:
Accept that you have failed, but learn the lessons, perhaps there is something you would do differently, perhaps there is a different approach or tools you could use. When you have looked at this forgive yourself. At least you were trying, you have learned something. Even if you feel you made a stupid mistake, dwelling on it can only make you feel worse about yourself so say I won’t do that and move on.
Check that your goal, your destination has not changed. Perhaps something you have learned means that you want to do something different. Perhaps you want to take a smaller step to get to your ultimate goal. Adjusting your goals can make success easier.
Finally get back on the horse. Don’t let failure put you off taking the steps along the road to the changes that you want to make. We all find change hard, we find the prospect of failure unpleasant, yet without both how can we develop as a person.
There are times when we all lack confidence, perhaps when trying something new, or giving a public presentation. Yet some people have a more chronic problem having lost all self-confindence and beliving that they can’t achieve anything. Perhaps you have noticed this in yourself. For example do you find yourself constantly apologising either for your mistakes or more worryingly, yourself. Fortunately there are things that can be done to imporve your self-confidence and take back a bit of control. The process is straight forward but does need a little courage and time to work. So if you try and fail a few times, trust the process and get back on the horse. This might be the time you suceed. Continue reading
My eyes flicked open, my heart thumping in my chest, I was sweating, and hot I knew that I was going to die. This is what my life had become sudden waves of panic that would wash over me, overwhelming me with a pounding heart and waves of nausea.
Nothing seemed to help nor did I know what caused the attacks, I became more frightened of going outside: What if it happened outside, where would I go what would people think. Better, safer to stay indoors in a world I control.
It was my husband who helped, he insisted that I went and talked to my GP. He helped me throught the terror of going in the car to the surgery. He reassured me and held my hand. I felt a fraud in front of the GP, taking up his valuable time with this, after all I was an adult I should be able to control this. The GP assured me that anxiety and panic attacks affect as many as 1 in 5 people during their life. He prescribed some medication to help with the attacks and organised for me to see a counsellor.
I am much better now. I can face the world again and although I still have the attacks I can now control them and talk myself down. My counsellor has been helping me uncover some of the triggers for my attacks and that helps a lot. Throughout my husband has been great and it’s not been an easy road, but I really am glad he made me talk to my GP.
It’s a story that many people with anxiety disorders will readily identify with: The terror of a panic attack, the anxiety the fear and the worry. It can be incredibly disabling interfering with all aspects of daily life.
One of the first ports of call in dealing with anxiety is your GP. A good GP is invaluable they can access the resources to make a difference. They can give you medicine which will help to stabilise your mood, while you attend one of the many talking therapies. The National Institute for Clinical Excellence [NICE] recognised how effective counselling is in bringing about recover.
As you become more confident through counselling, the medication is gradually reduced with the aim of getting your life back to the way you want it to be.